


the selfishness of wanting

by green_piggy



Series: bond writes for xbc femslash week 2021 [1]
Category: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Character Study, F/F, Femslash February, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mild past suicidal ideation, Post-Game, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Spoilers, [me looking at most of the xb2 cast] by god we are gonna get you therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:55:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29273577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/green_piggy/pseuds/green_piggy
Summary: After discovering Elysium, Pyra and Pandoria go travelling together. When they arrive in Fonsa Myma, they decide to watch the city from above — and to talk about their own wants.
Relationships: Homura | Pyra/Saika | Pandoria
Series: bond writes for xbc femslash week 2021 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149800
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12
Collections: Xenoblade Femslash Week 2021





	the selfishness of wanting

**Author's Note:**

> written for day 1's prompt "landmarks" for [xenoblade femslash week 2021!!](https://twitter.com/XBCFemslash) you should totally check out what everyone else is doing :3
> 
> please god do not expect every fic for this week to be a 6k+ monster i just a) really love this game b) Really love these characters c) REALLY love this ship, and i will drag other people with me into rarepair hell if it’s the last thing i do. I have SO many ideas for these two!! I adore them!!! i finally wrote something for them HURRAY
> 
> also pyra gives me so many emotions. pyra sweetie we're gonna teach you basic self-respect and self-love if it's the last thing we do
> 
> hope you enjoy the fic~

When they arrived in Fonsa Myma, petals from the countless Saffronia trees dotted around Uraya were weaving through the sky, gleaming orbs that eluded Pyra’s grasp every time she attempted to catch one in her fist. Even as they ascended higher and higher up the city’s magnificent steps, those petals continued to rain down relentlessly. Their chill tickled against Pyra’s skin and made her shiver.

“You all right?”

Pyra looked over at Pandoria’s concerned face, chest aching. Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, she simply couldn’t understand why Pandoria was still here. She wasn’t an exciting or particularly great person to be with. That was a simple fact.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Pyra smiled at her, gently but firmly pushing away all of those thoughts, her fingers resting atop the buckle of her Urayan belt. Both of them were wearing different outfits from the ones that they had worn during the journey to Elysium. Pyra had never been comfortable in that clothing, from the tight, tiny shorts, to the random pieces of armour that made her feel distinctively  _ wrong, _ but she had simply never deemed it worthwhile enough to ask everyone to stop just so that she could change clothes. They’d always been so  _ busy,  _ running from one place to another, that it seemed selfish to ask. After all, what kind of Blade wasn’t comfortable with the outfit they were born in?

Now, though, draped in the typical clothing worn by an Urayan, she felt more at ease than she ever had done so before. Her skirt was long and had white leggings underneath. Accompanying that was a long blue sash held in place by a thick belt around her waist and a small rope under her chest. Over her shoulders rested an airy red shawl, its blue tassels dangling from around her shoulders and occasionally brushing against her bare arms. She’d taken off her earrings and tiara a long time ago, and her fringe was held back with a simple hair clip.

It wasn’t a very beautiful outfit, nor did it stand out, but that was just the way Pyra liked it. It was still strange to glance down and not see her Core Crystal; odder, still, was the relief that washed over her every time she remembered that it was covered by several layers of clothing. She didn’t know what to think about that, so she didn’t.

The best part? Her ether lines were all covered. No longer did she have to fret about glowing in the dark.

Pandoria’s frown remained. Her own outfit wasn’t a style that Pyra was familiar with, but it suited her perfectly. She was wearing a simple white jacket with a fishtail that sprayed out behind her, adorned with large pockets (Pandoria had been  _ very  _ excited about the pockets) and ruffles on the end. Paired with that were deep purple puffy shorts that ended a few inches above her knee, along with oversized white ankle boots whose slight heel clanked against the ground with her every step. The fabric over where her Core Crystal rested was darker and thicker than the rest of the top, so that it wouldn’t be visible unless someone looked very closely.

They  _ had  _ attempted a few sleeved tops, but, well… Pandoria’s literal lightbulb shoulders either made the fit look terrible, or resulted in them catching alight when she got too excited and made them fizzle. They’d quickly agreed on sleeveless outfits after the third combusted shirt.

It wasn’t an elaborate or complicated outfit, but it was beautiful.

Dressed like this, they didn’t look like a fragment of the Aegis and the royal Blade of Tantal. Just two ordinary people.

…Well. Ignoring Pandoria’s shoulders and tail.

“You sure?” Pandoria asked. “I know we’re going pretty high up. If you wanna take a break—”

Pyra shook her head. “It’s fine.”

Humming under her breath, Pandoria swung out her arms as she skipped up the few remaining steps. Pyra’s gaze lingered on the Shellbrow Wagon next to the Mymoma Playhouse. She wondered if Cole or Iona were in. Maybe she could ask Pandoria if she wanted to drop in to see them soon. She hadn’t been with them when… all of  _ that  _ had happened, but…

“You wanna say hi to ‘em tomorrow?”

Startling, Pyra’s clenched hands dropped from in front of her chest. She had tried to not be too obvious, but Pandoria always seemed to be able to see right through her. She had a hand on her hip, the other pushing up her glasses, failing to hide the smug smile on her face.

“I mean…” Pyra gave a small nod. “Do you think they’d mind?”

Pandoria snorted. “You kiddin’ me? I hardly know them, but they’d  _ love  _ to see you. Who wouldn’t!”

Pyra could think of quite a few reasons, but he didn’t have it in her to gently correct Pandoria. So she just smiled and said: “If you’re sure.”

“Positive!” Beaming, Pandoria slid over next to her and looped her arm through Pyra’s own. Her hand came down and gently wiggled through Pyra’s startled fingers, until they were interlocked. Pandoria’s face was unreadable, up until she broke out into a wide grin when Pyra squeezed.

The shoulder that was brushed against Pyra’s own gave a bright spark of delight. The sight of Pandoria’s tail swaying back and forth behind her made Pyra smile.

Together, hand-in-hand, they made their way up the towering steps, past the mercenary barracks, until they came to Sevind Palace Plaza. They could have gone higher — much higher, up the Great Stairway and into the ruins of the Olethro Playhouse, but Pyra always had been and always would be a coward. She didn’t have the heart to see Vandham’s grave, to see yet another physical reminder of how she had failed the people she loved. If only if she had been stronger, more powerful, not a flickering shadow of the Aegis—

And she didn’t even have that power any more. The source of her strength no longer existed. Now, she struggled to even channel ether like a typical Blade. The Core Crystal on her chest may as well have been a useless glowing bobble.

The playhouse had been Mythra’s birthplace as well. It was still difficult getting used to silence in her mind, when her entire life had been biting comments and sarcasm and barbed concern and pain, so much  _ pain,  _ so much  _ sorrow,  _ as if Pyra didn’t have enough of her own, as if she had ever asked for this existence—

“Everything okay?”

Guilt stabbed through her chest yet again. Pyra gave Pandoria her best smile, hating how she could feel it wobble on her lips. “I’m fine.” Then, before Pandoria could object: “How about we find somewhere to sit?”

Pandoria hummed, but nodded. “How about on the edge of the fountains? Gives us a real good view of the stomach.”

Without waiting for her, Pandoria freed herself from Pyra’s arm and hopped onto the edge of the closest fountain. She  _ oohed  _ and  _ aahed,  _ arms flailing in the air; she  _ had  _ to be overreacting to get a laugh, but it certainly achieved its goal. Pyra giggled behind her hand, her chest warm, and Pandoria righted herself with a dazzling grin. Next to her, an Urayan soldier grumbled something under their breath before stomping away. It was impossible to make out anything distinctive from underneath their thick armour.

Pandoria snapped her feet together and gave a dramatic bow. One arm sweeping out behind her, she held out the other before glancing up with a grin. Still smiling, Pyra gingerly stepped forward and rested her hand in Pandoria’s. She tugged her up, with significantly more strength than what her lithe frame would suggest, and they waddled over to the second fountain’s edge together. Balancing on it as they made their way to the front, Pandoria taking the lead, they took a small hop over the shallow water gushing into the pool below, and onto a section of the edge that jutted out.

“This spot looks good!” With a loud huff, Pandoria plopped herself down, boots kicking against the fountain. Pyra sat down much more gingerly, folding her legs to her side and leaning against her hand. It was only when she looked up that she gasped.

The view… truly was nothing short of gorgeous. Pyra did not think that any amount of words could be adequate for describing it, but she could certainly make an attempt.

What caught her attention first were the many gigantic Saffronia trees stretched across the cliffs either side of Uraya’s stomach, glowing various fluorescent shades like the setting sun, lighting up the entire Titan. Uraya, miraculously, had taken the least damage out of all of the Titans after the discovery of Elysium. With most of its settlements being inside, when the Titan had crashed into the sea, it had barely caused any harm within. Although the Titan itself was dead, the trees and flowery still flourished and bloomed. It was a mystery that nobody had been able to unravel just yet, even though it’d been almost half a year by now.

To their left was most of Fonsa Myma, sprawled out amongst cliffsides, its many lights a dim orange compared to the brilliance of the Saffronia trees. She could see tiny dots — people — milling about the entrance and centre, and their low murmurs reached her ears even from so far below. To the right was the port, with only a small amount of ships docked, tiny Titans bobbing in the water as they slept.

Pyra reached out her right hand — this time, a petal tickled the inside of her fist.

“Oooh, did you manage to catch one?” Pandoria leaned over, sea-green eyes wide behind her glasses. “Lemme see!”

Chuckling, Pyra held out her fist; Pandoria’s fingers clambered over her own and pried them open, slowly, so that the petal wouldn’t disappear into the horizon as soon as a breath touched it. Pandoria managed to snag the edge of it and held it high with a noise of awe.

“Wow… that’s so pretty!” She twisted it about in her hand, peering at it from all angles. “How does it even glow like that?”

If the Conduit still existed, it would have been a simple matter to connect to the processor and to access every piece of knowledge that had been absorbed by Blades about the Saffronia trees.

But it didn’t exist. And, somehow, Pyra preferred the unknown.

“I’m not sure,” she said, smiling. “And maybe we don’t need to know.”

“Mmm.” Pandoria nodded. “Yeah, you’ve got a point. The mystery is part of what makes it so cool!”

She gasped, and Pyra might as well have been able to see the lightbulb that had gone off in her head. “Oh, I have an idea! Turn your head away from me slightly.”

“Oh?”

“Trust me!”

Pyra smiled. “I always do.”

There was a beat of silence, before Pandoria’s entire face seemed to catch aglow. She coughed and spluttered, her shoulders sparking in time with each wheeze, before she flapped her free hand about. “J-just look away!”

Laughing, Pyra tilted her head towards the harbour with a smile. She startled when she felt Pandoria’s slender fingers fiddle near her hairclip. “What are you—”

“Shush! The master is at work.”

Pyra scoffed but kept her head still and her hands in her lap, trying her best not to wring her fingers together. It was still strange, being so intimate with another person. It wasn’t something that she had ever thought about — had ever  _ allowed  _ herself to think about.

There had been Rex, yes, but Rex was someone who had been there for her when no one else had, who had just smiled and held out his hand when her previous Driver had abandoned her in the depths of the Cloud Sea to never be found again. Rex, whose gaze had only ever held love — who had looked at everyone with that same tenderness. Even people like Jin, like Malos — like _her._ He was someone who fundamentally believed that everyone deserved to be cherished.

When everyone else had been terrified of her, it was only natural to latch onto the first source of kindness. She loved Rex like a little brother, in much the same way that Mythra had loved Milton.

Mythra…

No.

This wasn’t about Mythra. This was about  _ Pyra. _

It was selfish, but—

“And done!”

Pandoria’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts, as it always seemed to do. Pyra reached a hand up to where she had been working, only for the cool, delicate surface of a familiar petal to grace her fingertips.

“Wow, I was right!” A pause. “As  _ always.”  _ Pandoria’s grin went from wide to small and tender. “It really suits you. Give your head a little shake?”

Feeling rather silly, Pyra did just that. Pandoria’s smile softened.

“I wish you could see it — it looks like it’s glimmering. It’s almost as gorgeous as you.”

“P-Pandoria…”

She had to duck her head and bite down on her lip, hard. Her chest was in so much pain, aching — not like it once had, longing for the end to an existence she had never wanted, but from the sheer force of Pandoria's  _ love.  _ She didn't deserve it. She couldn't understand why Pandoria — why  _ anyone —  _ cared for her. She really, genuinely, couldn't.

The backs of her eyes were stinging. Pyra swallowed, breathing around the tightness in her throat. It felt as though there was a ball of steel wool tangled inside.

"Pyra..?"

Pandoria's hand rested on top of Pyra's. She wanted to yank it back, but something made her remain.

“I mean it,” Pandoria said softly, sounding a bit confused. How did she not realise that the fact that she was so sincere only made it worse? She had to grow sick of Pyra and leave, one day. _One_ day. “I know you don’t think I do, but…” Pandoria’s fingers tightened. “That doesn’t change the fact that I do, y’know?” A pause. “I mean, _I_ don’t know.” She hunched in slightly, shoulders hackling. “Ugh, I’m no good at this romantic stuff.”

“No, no. It’s not that,” Pyra whispered. Her voice was tight and hoarse. “It’s not as though I know, either.”

With a dramatic sigh, Pandoria flopped herself against Pyra’s arm and almost sent the pair of them tumbling off the ledge. “Then we’ll just have to stick together and figure it out!”

Pyra’s first instinct was to protest, but she knew that Pandoria would get on her case about it, and she wasn’t  _ wrong.  _ So, instead, she gazed up to the countless fluttering petals, watching them go past. The deep, heavy sounds of street performers playing their instruments — she could hear the distinctive  _ tangs  _ of a Torigonda as well — mingled in well with the chimes of the Saffronia leaves whenever they crashed into one another.

“Doing what, though?” she wondered out loud. “Do you really just want to travel everywhere?”

“I mean, I don’t see why not.” Pandoria hummed and snuggled up closer against Pyra’s arm. Her own arms wrapped around it. “But I suppose that travelling without a goal in mind might get a bit boring, yeah.”

Uraya was the first Titan they had agreed to travel to, once the land of Elysium itself had been established and everything had settled down a little. Although they had all suffered damage falling into the ocean, most of the Titans’ bodies had survived relatively intact. The Nopon, as swift as ever, had quickly remodelled the Argentum Trade Guild into a Titan that thrived in the sea, moving about at impressive speeds. Gormott had sank, rendering its legs impossible to live on, but anything about that was undamaged, and all of the settlements below had been successfully evacuated onto Elysium. Uraya was… well, like this.

Mor Ardain, truthfully, was the only Titan that could now be considered to be uninhabitable. After all, the residents no longer had any access to any heat energy, now that the Titan itself was dead, but they were rapidly adapting to life on the new land. The Leftherian Archipelago was now a series of islands bobbing along on the sea next to Elyisum.

Apparently, Genbu was like a brand new Titan, with all of the snowfall and frost it had accumulated for the last five hundred years having melted into slush. Pyra would be lying if she said that she wasn’t interested, but the one time that she had brought it up, Pandoria had fallen quiet and sullen. Pyra had been quick to drop it and careful to not mention it again. Pandoria would do so when she was ready.

The slap of Pandoria’s hands against the ledge jolted Pyra out of her thoughts. “You know what!” she declared. “I’m gonna go grab us some snacks. Food makes everything better.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Pandoria shook her head with a grin. She pushed herself onto her feet, tottled, and almost toppled into the waters below. “N-nah!” She flashed Pyra fingerguns with her hands. “S’all okay!”

Chuckling, Pyra tried to hide it behind her hand. “I’ll take your word for it.”

“You stay right here and think about all of the stuff that you want us to do.”

_ That  _ took the wind right out of her sails. “Huh..?”

“While we’re travelling!” Pandoria gave her head a gentle  _ thwap  _ with the side of her hand. “I’ll be back as soon as possible!” She leaned over with her elbows on Pyra’s shoulder, the tip of her tail skimming the water. “Anything in particular you want?”

“Um… I don’t mind. Whatever you want.”

Pandoria gave a slight roll of her eyes. “C’mon, there has to be  _ something!” _

There… really wasn’t. She’d always just consumed whatever was given to her. Yes, she enjoyed cooking meals for others, and watching their faces light up when they realised she added in their favourite ingredients, or cooked it the way they preferred… but that wasn’t something that she had ever done for herself. Why should she?

She didn’t speak. Something tightened in Pandoria’s face and slipped the smile off her face, but she slapped her knees and stood back up before Pyra could say anything. “Well, then! I’ll just hafta bring a bunch of stuff! Be back soon!”

“Ah — Pandoria..!”

But off she went, her footsteps kicking up the water in the fountain as she jogged off (almost slipping numerous times). A large splash spluttered against the armour of the Urayan soldier from earlier, whose hefty shoulders visibly deflated before they shuffled away to the other fountain opposite of them.

Smiling, Pyra felt it drop as she looked up to the sky once more.

What  _ she  _ wanted to do…

The truth was that Pyra had never allowed herself to want for anything before. Because why should she, when she wasn’t even her own person, when her entire existence was due to another’s trauma? Did she deserve it? To potentially upset other people with her own whimsies?

She didn’t think so. Especially not when they had been on a quest to seek Elysium, the land of literal dreams. Even asking Rex to do that much for her had been so very,  _ very  _ selfish — doubly so when she could never bring herself to tell him the reason why she and Mythra had sought for their father so badly.

Some days were still hard. Some days, even now, she awoke with a heaviness in her chest and an awful, terrible  _ nothingness  _ in her body. Days where it was difficult to move, to breathe, to do anything but wallow in despair.

But it wasn’t every day. Not like it had been from the moment of her birth. That had to be progress, right?

Maybe she’d always feel like this. But…

She wasn’t alone. Not anymore.

It was iconic, in a way, that it was only when she was separated from Mythra, had gained her own flesh, that she no longer felt so dreadfully  _ lonely. _

The world was at peace now. She had a family — a strange, bizarre, peculiar group of people, but ones who she all loved and adored with her entire heart — that would be there for her no matter where she went.

Her role as an Aegis was complete.

Surely… it was okay to be a little bit selfish?

Adrift in her thoughts of nothing at all, time bopped by like a lily pad on a pond. She was snapped out of her trance-like state by familiar stomping. She turned around—

And there was Pandoria, sagging under the weight of a not-insignificant number of paper bags bundled in her arms. Only the top of her glasses were visible from the sea of wrinkled brown, yet she somehow freed enough of one hand to hold it up when Pyra got ready to stand up. She waddled forward like a newborn Flamii trying to find its legs, heaving from side-to-side with great vigour. Eventually, though, just as Pyra decided that she really  _ should  _ help, Pandoria flopped down next to her. The sea collapsed, brown bags tumbling onto their laps and the space in-between. She squeaked as a bag fell off the edge; Pyra shot forward and grabbed it.

“Get back!” Pandoria squawked. “It’s worse if  _ you  _ fall than the bag, and I can’t exactly catch you right now!”

“O-oh…” Feeling sheepish, Pyra drew back. The bag crinkled against her chest. “Sorry.”

“You don’t need to—” With a shake of her head, Pandoria nudged Pyra’s side. “C’mon, look inside!”

“It’s for me?”

“Duh.”

Frowning, her chest pounding, Pyra gingerly tugged open the top with trembling fingers. She caught the sweet aromatic scent before she saw the small flask, and memories came flooding back. For a moment, all she could think of was Vandham, and in that moment, she couldn’t breathe. “T-this is…”

Pandoria pulled up her legs to sit cross-legged, rummaging through another bag. “The bar dude from Garfront — Garddi, I think — was selling his wares up here! He gave me that and said that you always ordered it every time we stopped by. Jenerossi Tea, I think?”

It’d been so  _ long  _ since she last had a cup. Pyra cupped it between her hands and couldn’t understand why she wanted to break out into tears. “I…” She swallowed. “He noticed that?”

She hadn’t even realised that herself.

“I think we all did!” Pandoria’s face softened. “I brought up a whole bunch of other snacks too.” She took out a similar looking cup of her own. “He gave me this Fizzy Lassi — oh, and Gorg was there, too! He was packing up for the night and shoved a bunch of cakes and crap at me.” Out of another bag came a bundle of lovingly wrapped cakes, each one dotted with an unique pattern. “He says hi and that we should stop by tomorrow.”

Pyra nodded, swallowing. If she spoke, she knew that she’d cry.

Somehow, Pandoria seemed to understand. “I grabbed some stuff from that Shellbrow Wagon as well, but I think that might be overdoing the sweet stuff just a tad. They don’t sell any veggies here, which sucks, ‘cause I know you love ‘em a lot too, but we’ll grab some when we swing by Garfront!” A pause. “I mean, I don’t know how much money we  _ have,  _ but—”

“That sounds wonderful,” Pyra managed to choke out. Did she like veggies?

How much about her had other people noticed that she herself hadn’t, just because she had never deemed it worthwhile?

The thought was both heartwarming and terrifying.

“Doesn’t it?” Pandoria peeled off the wrapper of what Pyra recognised as a couple of Neon Cookies — she’d always been meaning to ask Gorg for his recipes, but she’d never gotten around to it.

What was stopping her from doing so now?

Pandoria waved one in the air towards Pyra. She took it with a quiet thanks, jumping when a sudden weight leaned against her side — Pandoria, who just nibbled on her cookie and sipped from her cup without a word.

Taking the cue, Pyra took a tentative bite out of her own—

“So, what’s bothering you?”

—and almost choked on it.

“W-what?”

_ “C’mon.” _ Pandoria scoffed from in-between mouthfuls of a Rainbow Parfait, spraying colourful crumbs all over them both. She took a deep swallow and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. “We made a promise, didn’t we? To be more honest with each other?” Pandoria leaned further back against Pyra, enough that she would fall off the ledge if Pyra was to move even an inch. “Whatever it is, I’ll be happy to listen! Promise!”

DIdn’t Pandoria realise that that only made her feel  _ worse? _

“It’s no—”

The warmth left her side. Pandoria gave her a harsh look from over her glasses — not quite a glare, but she wasn’t smiling, either. Her shoulders gave a sharp buzz.

And, really, what else could she say to that?”

“I…” Pyra didn’t dare look up from her clenched hands on top of her lap. She could feel them trembling. If she caught even a glance of Pandoria, she would immediately lose what little courage she currently had. “I don’t understand why you’re still here.”

“Because I want to be.” A huff. “Next?”

She made it sound so easy, so  _ obvious,  _ as if Pyra was an interesting or enjoyable person to be around. She wasn’t. She was a mess.

That wasn’t self-depreciation. That was just the truth.

“But why?”

“Not everything needs to have logical reasons behind it, Pyra,” came Pandoria’s soft voice. “I just  _ do,  _ okay? Whatever you’re thinkin’ about yourself… it’s rubbish.”

Oh, if only.

“It is, though.” Finally, with conviction in her flowing ether, Pyra was able to look at Pandoria. “I’ve caused so much pain—”

“If you’re talking about the past,  _ forget it.” _ Pandoria was full-on glaring now. “It’s not your fault. I know it’s not your fault.”

“But—”

“You like high places, don’tcha?” Pandoria suddenly interrupted. As throw off as she was, all Pyra could do was watch Pandoria finish her Fizzy Lassi. “I mean, I can see why. You were stuck as low down as low can be for five hundred years for something you didn't even do."

She’d never thought about it that way before, but… it made perfect sense.

And yet… what Pandoria had said, that was…

"It was my fault, though," Pyra whispered. “Torna, Vandham, Haze—”

"None of that was your fault, Pyra. And I’m an honest gal — if it was, I’d tell you.”

"But—"

Pandoria threw her arms into the air. A Bitter Choclit flew out of her hand and into the water far, far below, but Pandoria didn't seem to notice nor care. "It's _ literally  _ not your fault! You weren't even born when Torna was destroyed! Explain to me how that makes you responsible."

"It — it was still my power—" Oh, why did she feel ready to cry?

"It was Mythra's!" Pandoria cried. She crossed her arms with a determined pout. "Unpopular opinion, but whatever, I'm gonna say it; Mythra was a  _ dickhead  _ to you when she created you."

"She wasn't-!"

Pandoria held up her hand. "I get it! Really!" Her face softened. She took off her glasses and rested them on her other side. "Okay, I don't. I can't even begin to imagine how much pain she must have been in. How awful she had to have felt."

She turned to Pyra, her eyes pleading. For what, Pyra couldn't understand. "But that doesn't mean that her creating you and dumping all of that onto you as soon as you were _born_ and making you become her 'perfect' self, her dumping ground for all of her problems, was a good move. It's not. It _sucks._ It's shitty and it's not something you should have ever gone through."

Pyra opened her mouth, but nothing came out. A horrible part of her was relieved —  _ so  _ happy, that someone else had noticed. She had never asked for existence, had never wanted this thing called living.

The rest of her wanted to clamp that tiny part down, smother it until it was gone and she could be the person that everyone else wanted her to be. It was better for everyone that way.

That was what she had believed for the longest time. But, now, with each passing day, she wondered just how true that was.

"You weren't there, but — but Vandham, I still—"

"You literally told Rex to run. Doesn't sound like your fault to me."

"How—"

Pandoria grinned. "May or may not have pestered Nia about it until she told me." That grin slipped away like quicksand. "Look… if you're gonna insist on blamin' yourself, you gotta blame Nia too. She's a Flesh Eater. She easily could have patched him up no problem and kept him alive, but she was too terrified to do so."

Pyra bit down the flare of anger in her chest. She knew that Pandoria didn't truly mean it, but to make a mockery of Nia's fears like that— "It's not her fault!"

"So why the hell is it  _ yours!?" _

Pyra startled, shoulders hunching, hands twitching towards her face on instinct, for she had never,  _ never,  _ heard Pandoria so furious before.

“And Fan  _ — Haze,  _ that was — that was Jin’s fault! You weren’t the one who stabbed her!”

“B-but—”

Pandoria’s fist slammed the ledge.  _ This is it,  _ Pyra thought, heart hammering.  _ She’s had enough. She wants to leave.  _ “You couldn’t have done anything!”

“I — I still—”

“No! No,  _ nothing.” _

Pyra fell silent.

"I just—" Pandoria looked absolutely heartbroken. "Nothing was your fault. You keep — you keep blaming yourself, for all of these things that you had no control over, and I don't get _why!"_

“I was an Aegis, I—”

“You’re so much more than just that!” Pandoria burst out. “Architect, us Blades — we’re more than just weapons of war. We’re _people,_ just as much as any Gormotti or Tantalese or Ardanian.”

“I know!” Pyra cried. “I  _ know. _ I never wanted to be a weapon — I — I just wanted to…"

But she didn't even know how to finish that sentence. She'd never been allowed to be anything but a shadow of the Aegis, the weaker half of it, containing a power still more terrifying and destructive than most.

Even Mythra had had the opportunity to be her own person, to forge her own identity, even if it had ended in tragedy.

Pyra hadn't.

She knew that it was cruel to be upset about that, for something that Mythra couldn't control, but she  _ hated  _ it.

“If… if I had to live,” she whispered, “I at least wanted to be myself. But I… I didn’t even know who that was. Not when my entire identity was because of Mythra. And if I couldn’t be that, then… I didn’t want to cause anyone any pain. Not if I could be what they needed. But I’m not even _needed_ anymore — Elysium doesn’t need Aegises, doesn’t need me…” Pyra pulled her legs tight against her chest. “It’s terrifying,” she whispered. “I never expected to have this life. I never let myself think about it. I _couldn’t_ think about it, not when all I wanted was for my life to be ended. But, now…”

For a long moment, no words were spoken. The gushing of the fountain beneath their legs was deafening.

Then, Pandoria let out a heavy sigh.

"Look, I can — I can get some of it, y'know?" She hunched up her own shoulders slightly. Her tail swooped low and came close to brushing the pool surface behind them. "Especially the whole 'wanting to make your own identity' stuff." She let out a wry chuckle. "When the prince kicks it, that's it. I'm  _ dead.  _ End of. That won’t be for a few centuries at least, but… y’know. Still gonna happen." She bumped her fists against the bricks and gazed up high. Pyra followed her eyes to the top of Uraya, to the wrinkled interior skin that reflected the Saffronia petals. "I don't wanna be known as his Blade for the rest of my last life! I wanna be my  _ own  _ person. Me. Nobody else." She turned and gave Pyra a kind smile. "I imagine it's something similar for you and Mythra, right?"

"…Yes."

Pandoria's smile widened.

“So that’s something we can both work on. It’s something we’ve _been_ working on, right?” She gave Pyra’s side a slight nudge. “I discovered that I can carry a ton of bags, and you realise how much you like that tea! All we need to do is take little steps. Not like we’ve got anything else to do.”

“That’s… you’re not wrong.”

Pandoria’s hand found hers.

“It’s not selfish to want something for you,” she said quietly. “It’s really, really not.”

In lieu of words, Pyra ducked her head and squeezed Pandoria’s hand.

The thought of the two of them simply… following their whims, doing what they wanted, whenever they wanted. It was…

Pyra couldn’t think of anything more terrifying or more wonderful.

And then, out of nowhere:

"Who knows? Maybe one day we'll get married."

Pyra spluttered on her tea at that.

Pandoria shrugged, not seeming to have noticed. "I mean —  _ that’d  _ be fun. Can two Blades even get married?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Marriage is overrated, anyway. I’m getting off-topic.” She waved her hand. “Or maybe we'll split up and be better off as friends or something else. I dunno." That same hand sneaked over and rested on top of Pyra's. "But what I  _ do  _ know is that, for now, I wanna spend my time with you. You're sweet and kind and awesome and someone I've always wanted to get to know better."

"P-Pandoria…"

"And—" Her face went solemn. "—even if you can't understand why anyone would care for you, that doesn't change the fact that people _ do." _

Pyra’s head lowered. “I know,” she whispered. “I  _ know.  _ It’s just—”

“It takes some time getting used to?”

A minute nod.

“I get it. Really.” Letting out a content sigh, Pandoria looked at Pyra with eyes so earnest that she wanted to disappear entirely. “But enough about that. I don’t wanna harass you. But you’ll get used to it.”

“I hope so.”

“You  _ will.”  _ Pandoria grinned. “For now, though, let’s focus on other stuff — did you get any ideas for what we could do while travelling?”

“Huh?”

“Is there anything  _ you  _ want to do?”

Pyra’s first instinct was to smile and shake her head and insist that there was nothing.

But Pandoria would be disappointed, and as much as she used to do it, Pyra had always hated lying.

“I…” Pyra squeezed her hands together before bringing one up to rest over her chest. “I think I’d like to learn more about the world. We have all of these different species, of flowers and bugs and rocks, and so much more, but nobody has ever compiled them all into one single source. We have names for them, but there’s so much missing — behaviour, appearances, traits… and it seems strange that such a record doesn’t even exist.” She gave a rueful smile. “As an Aegis, I once could have accessed all of that information at a single thought, but most people couldn’t. It doesn’t seem fair—”

She startled, then, realising  _ just  _ how much she had rambled on about and for far too long… but when she looked over at Pandoria, her cheeks burning, Pandoria’s face was the softest and most loving Pyra had ever seen it. She was resting her cheek on her hand, her smile soft but blinding, eyes wrinkled.

“You kiddin’ me? That sounds rad.” Her smile widened. “I get dips on the fish!”

“Of course.” She paused, then, pressing her fists into her thighs and unable to look directly at Pandoria. “Are… are you sure? That this is something you’d want to do?”

“I’m _super_ sure.” Pandoria grinned. “It’s great seeing you say you want something! Even if we don’t get every single detail ever, it’s something that we can pass down to other people — and then they can use that information and expand on it themselves!”

“Yes! Exactly!”

Pandoria’s feet tapped against the fountain wall. “We need a name, though… Itemopedia? Bunch-Of-Things-Book?”

“What about…” Pyra hummed. “I think ‘Collectopedia’ would be a good name? Maybe?”

Pandoria clapped her hands. “That’s an awesome name! Tomorrow, we’ll go and buy some notebooks and pens and begin our Collectopedia! Or steal some from Cole, he’s bound to have a _bunch_ lyin’ around—”

_ “Pandy.” _

“I kid, I kid!” She gasped, her eyes going wide, before she latched onto Pyra’s hands. “You called me Pandy! That’s the first time you’ve ever called me that!”

Was it really..? Pyra fought against the instinct to pull herself away. “I didn’t mean to—”

“I love it!” Pandoria cried. “Please, call me that way more often!” A pause. “Only if you wanna, of course—”

“Pandy, I’d love to.”

It wasn’t difficult to pinpoint the exact moment Pandoria melted on the spot.

“Thank you,” Pyra whispered. “For everything.”

Pandoria’s hand rested on the Saffronia petal tucked in Pyra’s hair. “You’re welcome. You’re  _ so  _ welcome. I’m just glad I can help.”

In that moment — with Pandoria’s warmth against her, the love and assurance of another person who wouldn’t leave her — Pyra collapsed. She leaned against Pandoria’s chest with a silent shake of her body. One, then another, then so many more, and she finally allowed those budding tears to fall.

Just as quietly, Pandoria linked her hands around Pyra’s back and held her tight. They sat there in silence as petals gleamed and glowed around them.

The world was alive, and so were they, and for now, that was enough. That was all they needed.

**Author's Note:**

> [ [twitter](https://twitter.com/greenpiggles) ]
> 
> if you enjoyed the fic, kudos and/or comments? rad as fuck. happy femslash week!! <3


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